Sit down, shut up, and strap in because I’m about to tell you a little story about HISTORY’S MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED BADASS, Mona FUCKING Parsons.
"Who the heck is Mona Parsons?" you may be asking, unless you are Canadian, in which case you may have seen her Heritage Minute. But friends, even her Heritage Minute does not tell the whole story!
She was born in Wolfville (that’s in Nova Scotia) and moved to New York on her own in 1929, and eventually became a showgirl. But not just any showgirl, motherfuckers. SHE WAS IN THE GODDAMN ZIEGFIELD FOLLIES. You’d think that’d be enough excitement for one person, right? But not Mona Parsons.
She was like, “nah, I’ve had enough of this” and became a nurse. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A LITTLE THING CALLED, OH, I DON’T KNOW, THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
Oh yeah. She saw some hardcore shit. But that was only the beginning. She moved to Holland with her husband in 1940. Things were going great for a while. But then the fucking Nazis invaded. Mona and her husband could have gone back to Canada and lived there safely for a while, but did she? NO, MOTHERFUCKERS. SHE JOINED (AND BASICALLY EVENTUALLY LED) A NAZI RESISTANCE REGIME.
While all her neighbours back in Wolfville were just doing their thing, drinking tea and whatnot, MONA PARSONS WAS RESCUING DOWNED ALLIED AIRMEN AND HELPING THEM ESCAPE THE NAZIS. She hid them in her own home, in the servants quarters, where they were then secretly transported to rescue boats disguised as “fishing boats” which then transported them back to England. Brilliant, right?! RIGHT.
But she was eventually found out, caught, and arrested by the Gestapo. Mona and her husband were both thrown into Nazi prisons. In 1941, Mona was tried and found guilty of treason. She was sentenced to death by firing squad
Did she cry? Did she protest? HELL. NO. She stood there, calm and dignified, and simply nodded her head, accepting her fate.
The judge (who, it must be said, was a motherfucking NAZI) was so overwhelmed by her quiet dignity that he reduced her sentence to life in the Anrath prison with hard labour.
I know what you’re thinking. This is where the story ends. NOPE. Not for MONA BADASS PARSONS.
She spent four years in that Nazi prison. They worked her to the bone, starved her down to 94 pounds, and gave her solitary confinement for writing a letter in English. But did she give up? HELL. FUCKING. NO.
After allies bombed the prison, she escaped with a Dutch baroness. ON FOOT. Although she could speak perfect German, she wisely knew that her Canadian accent would give her away, and she put her acting skills to use, pretending to be the Dutch woman’s auntie with a disability that impeded her from speaking.
And then what did she do? MONA BADASS PARSONS WALKED 125 KM BAREFOOT (YES, BAREFOOT)THROUGH NAZI GERMANY, EVADING CAPTURE ALL THE WAY.
She eventually made it to Holland, and found a Dutch farmer who brought her to allied British/Canadian troops, known as The Nova Scotia Highlanders.
Mona never got the recognition she truly deserved and was cheated out of all her life savings and her estate after the death of her first husband. She eventually returned to Wolfville in 1957, and remained there until her death in 1976.
So tell me, why isn’t there a multimillion dollar Oscar bait movie about this incredible, amazing woman? Why aren’t Canadian children taught about her in school?
LET’S RIGHT THIS GRIEVOUS WRONG. GIVE MONA BADASS PARSONS THE RECOGNITION SHE DESERVES.
Never mind backward and in heels, MONA PARSONS DID IT BAREFOOT.